Goodbye Pip

It was just another late Spring afternoon, the warm May breeze had our neighborhood’s flowers dancing and our minds on thoughts of a summer filled with a lot of nothing.  The four of us were walking home from the pool when Holly said we were being followed.  We looked back and saw an obviously lost, un-collared, full-blooded Boston Terrier tagging along behind us.  Her ears were pulled back; her eyes wide open as she searched for a familiar landmark.  She followed us home where we all agreed to round her up and this little Terrier readily agreed to come into our yard and receive some attention.  We thought surely the owner would appear momentarily so we kept an eye out for a slow moving car or a neighbor with an empty leash.  When the sun went down we placed her in our backyard, much to the chagrin of Bonnie, our Jack Russell Terrier.  The next day we did what any dog lover would do; we placed flyers on telephone poles, put ads in the paper, called all the vets and waited.  Surely no one would let a Boston just wander off, right?  Days turned into weeks and weeks into months and all of our efforts went unanswered as our little Boston soon became part of the family.  Amy even gave her a new name: Pip, after another Boston Terrier we had once known.  Pip was quirky, sweet and silly, without a mean bone in her body; the polar opposite of our Jack Russell.  Bonnie was protective, clever, cunning and suspicious and didn’t care for some free-loading wanderer.  Eventually Bonnie became agreeable, took her new found companion under her wing and tried to teach her the ways of a Jack Russell.  Bonnie would stalk anything and delighted in chasing squirrels.  She would sit patiently and wait for two or three of them to crunch down an oak tree then as they sniffed their way ten or fifteen feet from their tree, Bonnie would tear across the yard on a suicidal sprint, determined to have squirrel for supper.  Pip would watch then eventually joined in the chase yet Pip was never sure of why she was running.  She bounced along behind Bonnie, with her eyes alight and tongue hanging out, looking like a canine version of Huntz Hall.

huntz

She ran because Bonnie ran and that was enough for her.  On our trips to the beach she usually took one splash in the ocean then sat and watched as Bonnie attacked wave after wave.  When we went camping Pip would burrow into a sleeping bag, her eyes full of worry while Bonnie plotted the midnight mauling of whatever animal dared to venture within her range.

Pip came into our lives when Bonnie was already 11 years old and I’ll never forget the way Pip sat in the backyard and waited for hours, wondering when Bonnie would return.  Bonnie was the perfect dog for me, she could hike all day, swim all afternoon and never shied away from a confrontation.  When Pip became our sole dog, I also mellowed and Pip became comforting, a respite instead of a comrade in arms.

In the last six months, Pip’s health declined precipitously.  She lost her hearing; developed cataracts then a few months ago became incontinent.  Our friend and vet Sally believed Pip’s brain had deteriorated via a sort of dog Alzheimer’s.  Pip was never the sharpest knife in the block but she was certainly the sweetest and I’m sure if she could talk she would have been mortified of her state of health.  At night Pip used to calmly slip into her cage yet in the last few months she became easily frightened, the cage became a prison and not a home so she slept on our bed.  In the last month or so she started falling off the bed; perhaps she was trying to jump down and could no longer judge the distance?  She would routinely bump headlong into furniture, walk into a closed door or stumble into the street.  When her weight started to drop off, in spite of her full meals, we all agreed it was time. On a warm Spring day, I buried her at the end of a meadow of dancing flowers, much like the day when she stumbled into our lives.  I dug into the thickly rooted earth with a double bladed axe, dirtied my feet and bloodied my hands because this shouldn’t be easy.


flowers 2

Pip’s favorite field

Six months after Pip had been with us a lady called and told us that this was her mother’s dog.  “If you smack a rolled up newspaper in your hand and yell, she’ll run under the bed.”  I hesitated then said I wouldn’t know about that but Pip was enjoying her time with us.  “Keep her.  Mom’s already forgot about her.”

When we lose a beloved pet, it’s also a loss of a bit of ourselves.  Pip was with us on many grand adventures and family outings, a faithful companion and a link to our younger days of toddling kids that dreamed not of college but of third grade and cakes with ten candles.  I like to think that Pip lucked out with us; we never rolled up a newspaper and yelled at her, she ate well and she saw many wonderful sights.  I know this may sound trite but I hope she’s been reunited with Bonnie.

 

Pip2

Ready for her next adventure

 

Categories: Death, Dogs, Family, Life, What's really important | 15 Comments

An Acorn Did That?

 

I finished my shower, toweled off then walked into the bedroom.  My wife’s eyes momentarily twinkled until she saw the baseball sized bruise on the left side of my chest, just above the third rib.

“What on earth happened to you?”

“Oh that? An acorn did that.”

She shook her head and frowned.  “You’re such a damn storyteller, you know that?”

Several hours earlier I had gone out for a 30 mile bike ride and the last few miles were my favorite; climbing up and over Paris Mountain via Altamont Road.  Altamont is 4.5 miles of twists and turns that crests at roughly 2,000 feet of elevation and offers stunning views of the county.  Back then I could go from one side to the other in less than half an hour.  This mid-October day was achingly beautiful; an oxygen-rich azure sky set against the brightly colored palettes of dying leaves.  On a big climb there’s plenty of time to take in the sights as the road slowly recedes and the views become more enticing.  When the road drops and starts to lose altitude, it’s time to focus. I gripped the bars of my Cannondale, breathed deep and danced on the pedals as I crested the mountain.  My speed gradually increased as I stole a glance of our city’s skyline through fluttering autumn colors.   The east side of Altamont drops, flattens out then arcs through wide sweeping turns before dropping again so I sat up and took a quick stretch before tucking in.  Head down, eyes up and hands on the outside of the bars.  I eased the chain into the big ring as my feet glided through continuous circles and now I’m looking as far ahead as possible, through the corners and down the road.  A quick peek at my speedometer as it flashes 35 then 37 miles an hour.  Eyes up.  The closer I get to a posted speed limit the more of the lane I’ll take and at this point I was in the middle of the lane.  The reason being is one of space.  If you bend into a tight corner at 30 miles an hour and you’re using the outside of the lane, a car may be tempted to pass you at an inopportune place in the road, leaving you with little space to maneuver.  When I’m at the posted limit, I’ll decide where the car will pass.

Now the road glides into a left hand turn.  I lower my center of gravity and arc through the corner on a quarter inch of Michelin rubber at maybe 40 miles an hour, the bike drifts a bit too close towards the guardrail so I drop my left knee about an inch, just enough to tighten my line.  The road straightens out; shift up and let the speed build; 43, 44, 45 miles an hour.  I lift my chest a bit, catch some air to slow down for the tight, right hand corner and that’s when I saw the acorn.  A big one, it’s from one of the many Bur oak trees on this road and this darn thing is almost as big as a ping pong ball and a lot heavier.  And though I was moving fast I saw the whole thing in slow-motion; the acorn landed in the road maybe 50 feet in front of me, took a high bounce then arced to the right just as our paths intersected and I caught it right in the chest.  A 45 mile an hour fast ball, thrown by the hand of God himself and it almost knocked me off the bike.

“Oof!”

I gasped for air, stabbed the brakes then bent into the corner with the shakiest of lines and stars twinkling through my field of vision. I rode the brakes to the bottom of Altamont, parked in front of a church and lifted my jersey.

“Holy Crap!”

I grimaced, gently prodded my bruised ribs in search of a crack then glared at the cross of St. James as it reached into the October sky.

“Alright, you win. I’ll try to slow down.”

These days I usually pedal the Swamp Rabbit trail.

Swamp Rabbit 4

The Swamp Rabbit near Furman University

 

It’s a paved greenway that glides through the city and can take you from downtown to the northern reaches of the county, all on a carefully paved surface.  There’s a couple of busy roads to cross but the challenge of the Swamp Rabbit comes from the sheer number of users mingling with the wannabe racers as they zip down the path making like George Hincapie on the cobblestones of Roubaix.   It’s opened up cycling to so many folks that see it as a genteel afternoon recreation, just like in cycling’s early days.

swamp rabbit 5

An early look at a proposed cycling path

 

On a sunny afternoon the Swamp Rabbit is jammed with people of all ages and abilities and it’s created it’s own micro-economy of businesses along its path.  It’s one of the many things I love about this town.  Yet some of us on the Rabbit remember what it was like back in the day, when cycling was so dangerous, even the Good Lord had to remind you to stay focused.

 

 

 

Categories: Cycling, Men being men, My Amy, Quiet, Religion, Spouse | 10 Comments

Bovinova!

Anyone can cook a whole hog, it’s not as daunting a task as it may seem.  In the South, that kind of cooking happens every weekend.  Whole hog BBQ is usually done in support of a big event such as a birthday party, church gathering or a fundraiser for a local charity.  But if one wants to stand out in a crowd of well-known, fund-raising, BBQ aficionados then that can be a challenge.  Jeff Bannister likes to stand out in a crowd; which is how he ended up cooking a whole steer.

“The first year we did this it was to show appreciation to my team, all the folks that work with me and have helped make the company successful.  I wanted to do something special for them, a memorable way to say ‘thank you’.  I’d been reading about Chef Francis Mallman in Argentina, he’s one of the top chefs in wood-fired cooking and he’ll cook anything over an open fire.  So I decided I would cook a whole steer for my company’s appreciation party.  I enlisted some help from a few BBQ friends and it was a big success.  We had such a great time that we wanted to do it again.  From that company picnic we started Bovinova, which in 2012 was able to make donations of just a shade over eight thousand dollars.  This year we hope to hit a bit more, it’d be great to hit ten thousand.”

At this year’s event (May 10 & 11) Jeff and his team of cookers will slow roast a llama, pigs, wild boars, turkeys, lamb, goats and of course a whole steer.  Bovinova is so unique in the BBQ world that last year’s event was featured in the Wall Street Journal.

“I really wanted to create something one of a kind and in so doing make a significant contribution to some of my favorite charities but it had to be something memorable and wonderful, an experience that I could share with not just my friends and family but with the community at large.  This year we’ve had a lot of changes; we outgrew our previous location so we’re in a bigger setting.  We’re cooking more animals than ever and all the good press has given us more options.  We’ve contracted with a private rancher in the north end of the county and he’s raised a steer for us, it’s a Scottish Hybrid, all grass fed.  I’ve had it looked at by an expert from Clemson, then after slaughter we’ll age it for 25 days.  When it’s time to cook we’ll inject it with five gallons of our own marinade made from red wine, apple juice, some Lea & Perrins, cayenne, salt and pepper.  When it’s ready for the fire we’ll rub it down with eighty five pounds of dry rub then onto the fire it goes.  The mid-section tends to cook the quickest so we have a sheet of steel to protect the ribs and loins from overcooking.  We use laser and internal thermometers to constantly monitor interior and exterior temperatures so that we get the juiciest, most tender, wood-roasted beef you can possibly imagine.  We’ve had seasoned barbecue professionals have a slice of this beef and it just stops them in their tracks, it’s that memorable.”

For this year’s event, Jeff is also cooking three goats.  He’ll carefully prep the goat carcass, rub them down with a paste of red wine and ten pounds of McCormick Jerk seasoning then place each in an industrial bag to marinate for two days.  The three lambs will get a marinade of rosemary, red wine, salt and pepper.  He’ll cook three or four pigs, one done in Asado style with a chimichurri, one will be in classic Southern BBQ style and another Cuban style.  He also has a couple of wild boar and of course that llama, young chickens, turkeys and something a bit different, a mouclade, it’s a method of quick roasting a thousand mussels at once.  Bovinova will feature plenty of live music and entertainment; it really is an exceptional event for the BBQ aficionado.

bovinova

Jeff Bannister’s custom made pit can handle a 700 pound steer

“The best part of all this is being able to make a significant donation to someone like Special Olympics.”  All he needs to hit the ten thousand dollar mark is another key sponsor; for this year’s event, the proceeds will go to Special Olympics and Loaves & Fishes.  So if you’re serious about your barbecue, you really should be at Bovinova. 

 

Categories: BBQ, Food, Friends, Good Friends, Men being men, What's really important | 3 Comments

Flours for Amy

I love the aroma of butter and flour, eggs and sugar, gently mixed together then properly baked.  These four simple ingredients offer so much possibility, especially in the hands of my wife.  Breads and biscuits, cookies and cakes, scented with vanilla bean or cinnamon, orange or chocolate.  As a young culinary student she tempted me with buttery cookies, teased me with yeast-risen scones, flirted with me via cakes as soft and delicate as a first kiss and won me over with mesmerizing chocolate croissants.   My wife, a former pastry chef, still loves to manipulate gluten.  She’ll stretch it into loaves of crusty, herb scented breads; coax it into warm buttery biscuits or shape it into flaky crusts for fruit-filled pies.  When my wife bakes, she’s capable of creating moments of rapture and bliss that can stop people in their tracks.

“It’s an apricot pastry, would you like a bite?”

Eyes close, breath is held, and time stands still as taste buds are coated in glorious sweet, buttery gluten.  In her hands the everyday have regal possibilities; flour, butter, sugar and eggs can create sensations that last for years.  Many times I’ve been cornered by former customers and reminded of a favorite cake or tart that my wife once made.

“She used to make my favorite dessert; it was a peach tart with a vanilla bean custard and this buttery crust that was just so memorable—“

Some express their love through words, others with time and still others express their love with tender, flaky pie dough filled with wild blueberries, lemon zest, sugar and vanilla bean extract.  Recently she made a tart that started out as pie dough, rolled into the shape of a plank then topped with pate choux paste and baked.  As it cooled it was adorned with apricot jam, toasted apricots and powdered sugar.  When I bit into a warm slice, I knew she still loved me.

Gluten free?  No thank you, I’m not interested. I like my gluten warm, slathered in butter and served with a fresh cup of coffee and a touch of my wife’s lipstick.  So if you’ll excuse me; there’s wonderful aromas coming from my kitchen.

Pastry

Almond Apricot Breakfast Pastry

Categories: Family, Food, My Amy, Peaches, Uncategorized, Yeast | 8 Comments

Predict a Table

When my wife and I were in the restaurant business, there was nothing I wouldn’t do for press.  It was all about keeping our little place relevant and buzz worthy.  When April Fool’s Day was on the horizon I would go to great lengths to write a fictitious press release then attempt to get our local press to bite that hook and publish my release.  This is one that I wrote in 2005 and my good friends at the Greenville News published it with a bold headline in the Sunday business news, word for word.  I think it may be some of my best work ;)

 

Press Release

  

RE: 33 Liberty Restaurant & Catering

33 Liberty Restaurant & Catering announces the purchase and implementation of the most sophisticated software designed specifically for the fine dining restaurant industry.  Utilizing the latest software advancements from the Four-One Software Company of California, Predict A Table is able to successfully predict a customer’s order based upon a number of variables.  “We are very excited to be able to fully utilize this cutting edge technology,” says John Malik, Chef/Owner of 33 Liberty, the fine dining restaurant of Greenville, SC. Predict-A-Table takes input through a dedicated Internet connection and interfaces with current Microsoft and Quicken programs.  Predict-A-Table takes into account the customer’s previous dining preferences, the frequency that the customer dines at the restaurant, the variables of the menu the last time that particular customer dined, the current menu, the current weather conditions as well as the weather on previous visits to the restaurant, the day’s activity of the Dow Jones Industrial average and the closing numbers of the 3 major stock indexes.  Predict-A-Table has a 97.75% rate of accuracy and it is very impressive to the customer when the wait staff can suggest a complete dinner to the guest that will have the guest saying “How did you know that is what I was going to order?”  John Malik says that by the end of April his Predict-A-Table system will be fully operational and once a customer dines at 33 Liberty twice within 60 days, a customer preference profile will be created.  It is this profile that Predict-A-Table uses to identify ordering habits and dining preferences.

33 Liberty, the fine dining destination restaurant in Greenville, SC is owned and operated by John & Amy Malik.  33 Liberty serves dinner Tuesday through Saturday evenings beginning at 6:00 PM.  33 Liberty is on the web at www.33liberty.com.

 

 

 

 

Categories: 33 Liberty, April Fool's!, My Amy | 2 Comments

“Mr. Ready’s Coming!”

 

For a cook, there’s something very endearing about a cookbook that contains a recipe that begins with, “For 1,000 pounds of pork…”  For a modern chef that would translate into 12 eighty-pound cases of pork butts.  And that my friends, is a lot of pork.

From Rivets and Rails, Recipes of a Railroad Boarding House Cookbook, is full of such charm.  The new cookbook from author Shaunda Kennedy Wenger is a modern day reprisal of the cooking journal of her great-grandmother, Elizabeth Shade Kennedy.  Elizabeth married a railroad man, Charles William Kennedy who passed away in 1920 leaving her with five boys to take care of.  So Elizabeth turned her Avis, Pennsylvania home into a boarding house for railroad workers employed by the New York Central and Hudson River Railroad.  And she started cooking, and taking notes which became a journal passed down between the Kennedy women.

And now Mrs. Wenger, Elizabeth’s great granddaughter has taken that journal, transcribed it and published it as is.  From Rivets and Rails is not a cookbook for the average home cook, it’s full of recipes that start with such startling amounts as 60 small cucumbers, nine pounds of pears or one peck of ripe tomatoes.   One of the recipes calls for five cents worth of both black and yellow mustard seed. There’s recipes for homemade wine too; dandelion, elderberry, cherry and rose blossom and although these recipes date back to the throes of Prohibition, it was still legal to make household wine which was considered a “non-intoxicating drink.”  Hhhmmm, a little sugar, some yeast, water and fresh fruit?  Thirty days later I can pretty much guarantee an intoxicating drink.

All of the notes that Elizabeth wrote next to the recipes are also intact, one states that “Mr. Ready is coming!”  One can only speculate as to the significance of a Mr. Ready but I love that nickname.   Most intriguing are the dessert recipes such as Hickory Nut Cake, Rhubarb Custard, Marshmallow Gold Cake, Pop Corn Pudding, an “Old Fashioned” Jelly Roll and a pie called Wampsie Pudding which is an early forerunner to a Sour Cream Apple Pie.  Fortunately most of the dessert recipes are scaled to make one cake or a reasonable number of servings.  I see several of these in my kitchen’s future and my wife, a popcorn lover, did a double take when I mentioned Popcorn Pudding.

From Rivets and Rails is a light book, only 70 pages and it is self-published, though Mrs. Wenger is a successful author having published five titles for the educational market, several successful children’s and young-adult novels and a highly regarded cookbook, The Book Lover’s Cookbook which was an NPR Holiday gift pick in 2003.  From Rivets and Rails is the sort of book that makes self-publishing sense.  It’s a delightful slice of Americana and a glimpse into the life of a hard working cook at a time in our country’s history when self-sufficiency was a matter of life and death.   Yet a publisher would have insisted on modernized recipes that were scaled, tested and retested to the average home kitchen.  And would a publisher have allowed the furniture polish recipe that blends a gallon each of sweet oil, kerosene and rain water or the several recipes for medicinal remedies featuring such ingredients as turpentine, sugar of lead and sulfur?  Doubtful. And therein lies the charm to this book, it’s a window into the breathtakingly challenging life that many Americans lived only 100 years ago.

From Rivets and Rails on Amazon

 

Categories: Adult Beverages, Food, Good Friends, Great Books | 2 Comments

The Ice Pick

Amy held my right hand and the nurse had my left.  My body vibrated, I was so racked and twisted by pain that it must have looked like a scene out of “The Exorcist.” The one where Linda Blair levitates off the table as the evil spirit practically tears her apart while being yanked out by the Catholic priests.  Amy later told me that she was certain I was one breath away from a heart attack.  Pulmonary Embolisms, better known as lung-bound blood clots, kill 300,000 people a year and having just one pass through the heart and lodge in the lungs is often enough to kill a healthy person.  Lucky me, I was about to pass six.

That Saturday evening we had guests to dinner.  I had felt exhausted for most of the day, a little short of breath but we had a nice steak dinner planned as a thank you for our friends that were so good to us during recuperation from my knee surgery.  As afternoon turned to evening, my exhaustion turned into shoulder pain of the pulled muscle variety so I asked Amy for a bag of ice.  The ice helped me enjoy our friend’s company but I turned in early.  I lay down and slept unsteadily until I woke up with what felt like an ice pick in my chest.  And that’s when Amy declared we were going to the ER.  When I tried to put on a shirt and lifted my left arm, the pain rifled through me as if I had been struck by a metal-tipped whip and I screamed in agony.  My son started the car, helped me outside then gingerly hugged me.

When we checked in to the ER the nurse asked me why I was on crutches.

“Knee surgery.”  I gasped.  “Five, maybe six weeks ago.”

“Uh huh, and describe your pain.”  So I did.  His eyes popped open and he quickly stood up.

“OK Mr. Malik let’s get you in that wheel chair and we’re gonna get you into the back in just a second, OK?  Just bear with me.”  He stuck his head around the corner and issued quick instructions and just as he promised, someone quickly collected me and rolled me into the back.  Vital signs were taken, information was given and my pain increased tenfold.  I needed an EKG and chest x-ray first.  As I struggled to breathe, I was rolled back and forth by nurses that smiled, patted my hand and offered encouragement.  In an ER, protocols have to be followed and a diagnosis has to be certain, so the staff couldn’t just dump painkillers in me. They were fairly certain I had at least one blood clot in my lungs.  Yet I also had a tremendous desire to breathe and a narcotic would have lessened that desire so they let me fight without narcotics until the proper diagnosis could be made.

Carried by the rush of blood, the clots were passing through my heart and settling in my lungs where a tidal pool washed across them every few seconds or so, the clots, or Pulmonary Embolisms, tumbled across the lining of my lungs, scraping and catching on capillary walls or settling in the tiny sacs known as alveoli which also happens to be the most sensitive tissue in the human body.  Amy tried to soothe me with calming words but by then we had heard the muted whispers of the staff, “embolism, PE, clots.”  There was a very real chance I might not survive the next sixty minutes.  My heart beat raced as Amy gently ran her fingers through my hair and whispered to me how much she loved me.   At every opportunity she showed me her phone and the messages of prayer were pouring in and growing exponentially.

My life didn’t flash before my eyes, but I did see my family without me and I thought of my children, my 15 year-old son and 14 year-old daughter.  Had I been a good dad and are they strong enough to carry on to adulthood without me?  Yes, they are but they still needed me and I wasn’t ready to go.  As the level of pain skyrocketed, I felt something else.  I heard the voices and felt the touch of dozens and dozens of our friends.  Brief snippets of encouragement and quick glimpses of faces, they quickly passed through my subconscious.  Mike squeezed my shoulder, Lauren blew me a kiss, Suzanne touched my cheek, Allen patted me on the arm, Karen smiled, Barbara squeezed my hand and on and on.  It was then, when it felt like I had a twisting knife stuck in my chest and Amy thought I was this close to a heart attack; that I knew I would be OK.  I felt the prayers of our many friends reaching out to me.  Carried on their words of encouragement the warmth wrapped around me and for a little while, I could feel the energy; my skin tingled from it.

The EKG negated a heart attack, a test known as a d-Dimer got us close and the x-ray came back to the on-call doctor and showed an area of congestion.   With most of the variables eliminated, I was quickly prepped for a CT scan then had morphine pumped into me, two doses.  When that didn’t assuage my pain they went with Dilaudid and after the second dose, I finally started to settle down.  Maybe thirty minutes later the results of the CT scan were in front of the doc.  Heparin, a blood thinner was quickly administered along with another shot of Dilaudid.  After several hours of agony I was finally able to relax.  I was rolled into ICU where I was quickly attended to by a pair of lovely nurses.  Amy collapsed into a chair as the staff doted over me.

About nine am the on-call physician came in and introduced himself.  A tall, handsome, gentleman from the Caribbean, with tightly groomed hair and skin the color of cappuccino, he was the internal medicine specialist for the hospital.  After introducing himself he folded his arms across his chest, lifted one tired eyebrow and carefully asked me in his warm, island accent, “Mr. Malik, would you mind telling me why you are not face down on the sidewalk instead of lying in this bed smiling at me?”

My breathing was very shallow, and all I could say was I don’t know.

“Well my friend, one PE, uh, one Pulmonary Embolism can kill a healthy man and you sir– survived a banana boat load, multiple embolisms in both lungs.”

I blinked through exhausted eyes and thought of my friends and family, the prayers that lifted me up at the most challenging moment of my life and the thought of a loving God that, on occasions, answers prayers quickly.

“Yes.” I gasped.  “I did.”

 

I know some of my friends don’t believe in God.  And honestly, if you take it at face value, there’s a lot of craziness to accept.  The thought of an omnipotent God that is everywhere at all times, with anyone and everyone that asks for his presence certainly takes a lot of–faith.  It’s easier to believe in the tangible things that don’t require so much faith such as trees, stars, the earth, a fast car, a stack of cash.  And there’s a bunch of truly bizarre stuff in the Old Testament; people turning into pillars of salt, talking, lava-spewing volcanoes, bread falling from the sky, wooden staffs turning into snakes and that’s just the first couple of chapters.  Yet the words of Jesus Christ, born to a simple stone mason, sent to live as one of us, to walk this dusty earth, endure temptation and betrayal then die a violent death at the hands of an unruly mob whipped into a frenzy by frightened religious leaders, all while never straying from his message of peace and forgiveness, are timeless.

These days the word Christian is practically a put down.  We have been launched like so many clay pigeons with the keen eye of the media, press and politics bearing down on us.  Of course there’s always going to be the handful of loudmouths that are labeled as mainstream then held up as an example as what you could turn into, if you drink our Kool-Aid.  Yup, one sip of Christianity and you’ll be waving a rebel flag, sucking on a jug of shine and belching out scripture as you shoplift from Wal-Mart.  Well I’m sorry but that’s just not accurate.  You’re welcome to call me simple, crazy or naïve.  I’ll forgive you.

So why did I survive a half-dozen of the sort of thing that is capable of killing in a single visit?  I had the good fortune to get into the right ER, I have a very strong heart and most important, I was the recipient of a miraculous gift from a loving God.

Categories: Family, Good Friends, Life, My Amy, Religion | 12 Comments

Catholic Guilt, in a Romance

Now there’s a gamble.  A Romance n0vel with a Catholic theme yet my writer friend Deanne Wilsted has persevered.  Her novel, Untangling the Knot is a charming novel of Gabrielle Bessu, a wedding planner at St. Therese who makes a simple scheduling error (ok, it’s a very far-fetched one, scheduling a couple for an annulment instead of a wedding but hey, crazier things have happened) regarding a young couple that want to get married.  When she tries to clear up the mess she only succeeds in falling for the children of the man about to marry.  Gabrielle helped plan the funeral of Ryan’s first wife, Evie and when they meet to plan the wedding they are launched on a collision course of incense-laden love.

Untangling the Knot is available through the publisher, Soulmate Publishing or through Amazon

 

 

17372761

Categories: Fiction, Other Voices, Religion | 4 Comments

Sex and Chocolate

2:45 AM.  Damnit.  I lie still and listen to Amy’s gentle breathing, and wonder if I can get out of bed without waking her.  This medicine has me getting up at least once a night and I’ve succeeded in waking her in the middle of the last 12 nights.  Maybe if I get out of bed very slowly, I won’t wake her.  I painfully lift my left leg out of bed, draw a deep breath, grip the aluminum walker and hoist myself up and out of bed then wait as my eyes adjust to the anemic light. As I stand the aluminum tubes of the walker creak, the stitches in my leg tug against one another.  I inhale quickly and brace myself as the stars flash and pop before my eyes.  Damn.  I’m only 50 but the reconstructive knee surgery I’ve just been through has me feeling much older.  I carefully head towards the bathroom, hoping I don’t wake her but I’m moving so slow and my 185 pounds has this damn walker creaking like an old Cadillac coasting over the speed bump in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

“Oh honey, what are you doing?”

“Uh, going to the bathroom.”

She turns on the light then asks if I need any help.

“No thank you sweetheart, I’ll be fine.”

When I’m finished I wash my hands and look in the mirror and I see myself much, much younger.  I’m in a tuxedo; in a church in Memphis and the aroma of all the fresh flowers is intoxicating.  I take Amy’s trembling hand in mine as the priest asks me to repeat those well-known lines.

“…for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death…”

I gently caress her fingers and look into her sparkling eyes.  I can remember thinking that she never looked more radiant, more beautiful.  What had I done to deserve the love of this amazing woman?  And as I repeated the priest’s lines I’m certain that I saw nothing but sex and chocolate, cold beer and fried oysters, sailboats and kisses.  Yes we loved each other very much but like any other young couple, we could only imagine how wonderful our lives were about to become.   Tonight, at almost three am, that measurement of wonderful is help in the bathroom.  “Do you need help in the bathroom?”  Not chocolate, wine or caviar but help with the most private of daily chores.

We’ve been rich and poor, sick and healthy but it’s easy to cherish one another during the good times.  The kisses are free and easy when you’re taking applause from the crowd, surprised her with a new car, brought home a fat bonus or just finished up your third appearance on a nationally broadcast TV show.  Who wouldn’t love you then?  True love though, manifests itself in the dark, when the bank account teeters, when the car breaks down, when you need help in the bathroom.  If your marriage is going to work, look beyond the sex and chocolate and see yourself at your worst.  When life gets messy and gritty will she be there next to you, will she smile and offer encouragement, will she lift you up instead of knock you down?  Love should survive the test and look forward to tomorrow, not look back at yesterday with regret.

Amy helps me back in bed as I apologize for waking her.  She offers me a warm hug then climbs out of bed and into the kitchen.  Five minutes later she’s back with two cups of hot chocolate, resplendent with cinnamon and honey.  She climbs into bed then we toast one another with the chocolate.  She carefully places her cheek next to mine then kisses me.

“I love you Amy.”

 

 

 

Categories: Family, Life, My Amy, Spouse | 12 Comments

A Rover for Rover

Christchurch, New Zealand

Three dogs in New Zealand are being taught to drive in an effort to show how intelligent they are.  The dogs were all rescued from a New Zealand animal shelter and have gone through a methodical eight-week training program that has enabled them to cautiously navigate a purpose built course in a Mini Cooper.

Greenville, SC

This morning Greenville Police Chief Terri Wilfong is pondering the logic of teaching a dog to drive.  Millard and Marsha Poinsett of Crescent Avenue sent Tillman, their two year-old Boykin Spaniel to New Zealand last December for driving lessons.  Upon his return to the Upstate, Tillman was greeted with his very own Range Rover LR2.

“It’s the perfect car for Tillman and he looked so good behind the wheel. We even chose a stain and water resistant fabric for the driver’s seat, you know, in case of an accident.  We hung the Rover’s smart key on his collar and in no time Tillman was running car pool and picking up the dry cleaning.  All it took was a simple command such as ‘Tillman, dry cleaner fetch!’  he was even driving himself to the doggie salon.  Why just last week Tillman drove us to the Peace Center to see Les Mis’ and of course all our friends were out front.  Well–talk about arriving in style, me and Millard in the back seat and Tillman behind the wheel,” Mrs. Poinsett stated breathlessly, “Millard had gone to Rush Wilson Clothiers and bought the cutest little bowtie for Tillman.  That dog was just adorable and well–we were the talk of the town.”

According to Chief Wilfong, Tillman and some of his four-legged pals went on an all-night fender-bender and may have caused $20,000 in damage, perhaps more.

“We haven’t tallied it up yet, but it’s substantial.  We’ve got broken windows and stolen chew toys at the Saluda River Pet Store, graffiti and traumatized felines at the Reedy River Cat Clinic, broken locks and missing dogs at the Upstate Humane Society, a pile of doggie defecation at the zoo’s hyena exhibit not to mention numerous scratched fenders in the Augusta Road neighborhood.  Apparently they started at the Pet Smart where they fueled up on Beggin’ Strips before embarking on their four hour crime spree.”

Mrs. Poinsett is quite upset and noticeably disappointed in her dog.  “When Tillman was a good boy, life was just so special. Just a few days ago Tillman drove us to a cocktail party where our hosts showed off the canned-beer fetching skills of their Golden Retriever, Bo.  Well Millard and I just smiled and applauded; Goldens really are such sweet dogs but they certainly don’t have the parallel parking skills of a Boykin and the Poinsett’s certainly don’t drink beer out of a can.”

For now Tillman is in the custody of the Poinsett’s because the jail doesn’t have breed specific holding cells, a deficiency that the ACLU has been notified about.  “He really is a good boy but recently we were looking at his account at Pet Smart and he had rung up a hefty amount.  Tillman’s little paws can’t hold the Amex so we just set up accounts for him but then we had to curtail some of his privileges when he started including his friends.  Well he’s still such a young dog I guess I should’ve expected it.  He would ride through the neighborhood and pick up some of his friends, the Wilson’s chocolate lab or the Kent’s dog Rex and off they would go to the Dog Park or downtown to the river to chase the ducks.  When Tillman started seeing that bitch Chloe, well that should’ve been our signal that his judgment had become, well, questionable.  In hindsight I guess we should’ve seen this coming and scheduled an intervention with Tillman’s therapist but, well we’ve just been so busy; you do understand that it’s opera season.  We meant to though, we really did.”

Chief Wilfong is puzzled as to how Tillman avoided the sharp eyes of her officers for so long.  According to the Chief, Tillman was probably a better driver when he had human passengers with him.  “Don’t these folks know that dogs are color blind so the whole red light, green light thing would have been lost on Tillman.   I’ll bet the Poinsett’s were leading that dog with Tillman stop! Tillman left!”

The Poinsett’s are looking at a number of legal issues, not to mention the amount of damages they’re personally liable for.  Chief Wilfong looks overwhelmed with the legal implications of this.  “Tillman certainly wasn’t covered by their auto insurance and that was a very nice car–was.  Hopefully their neighbors won’t press charges.  Once we get this mess sorted out I’ll have to record some sort of public service announcement about the dangers of having a dog behind the wheel. Can you imagine having a teenage boy and his dog in the same car?  I’ll bet the insurance agents are probably giddy with the prospect.  This Augusta Road crowd can be a little, well, envious and I pray we don’t see more dogs behind the wheel. I hope this incident has soured everyone on the idea that a dog can be a responsible driver.”

A call to the Augusta Road travel agency would say otherwise.  “We’ve been flooded with calls regarding flight times to Christchurch, New Zealand.  Tillman’s little midnight expedition has done wonders for our business.  By tomorrow afternoon we’ll be featuring an all-inclusive trip to New Zealand which will include driver’s training for your dog.”

Our roads may never be the same.

Categories: Bacon, Comedy, Dogs, Satire | Leave a comment